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What has your vacation taught you? A question from Sir. This was written while still in Texas with my vanilla sister and her husband.

I have had time to think, and to clear the fog out of my head. I have been able to focus better with the quiet and relaxation that I have had. I have used my submission here a lot, and am realizing just how much a part of me it is. I am coming to the conclusion that maybe it is not how to quickly switch my focus that I need to learn so much as it is that I need to carry my slavery/submission with me more often...and let it come out. I need several outlets for it. More than I have had. I now have Carl as an outlet also, as He demands my submission, just as Sir demands my slavery. Good and healthy for me I believe.

I have decided on a few different ideas to help me do this. Keep the fog at bay and a handle on who I really am. They may seem silly to some, but I think they will serve me well in the days to come. I cannot get lazy in my vanilla life. If I don't care there, it shows in other areas of my life. I have 'housegirl' duties at Sir's house that are expected of me every week. I must also expect myself to keep up my own household duties at my house also. No more, oh it's okay if I don't fold the laundry tonight, it's late. I will no longer do that...period. I will have more time to get things done as they should be done when my mind is focused on the task at hand. Sir is helping me with this, as He is only giving me one task at a time to focus on. When I have finished that, I will be given another. This will allow me to concentrate my focus directly and keep me from being distracted. When I am chatting with either James or Carl, I will not use abbreviations or contractions. I am..not I'm. they are, not they're, it is not it's. This may make about as much sense as slashy speak to some, but for me, it helps keep my mind focused on who it is that I am chatting with. This has truly worked wonderfully here in Texas as I have chatted with Sir and Carl.

I will no longer try and 'explain' so much. When I am asked a question, I will give a simple answer, after a brief moment of silence for thought. I will not feel compelled to spit out something profound right away. Case in point...Before I left for Texas, I was at HoT (House of Thunderbird) to finish up some chores that I had to do. I had been told exactly what was expected of me and in what time frame Sir desired it to be done. I was upstairs folding laundry and saw that there was some in the washer ready for the dryer. As I put them in, I thought, 'Well I will help and put the last load in the washer. (I had been told that was not part of my job description, only to fold and put away.) As I finished up and came downstairs, Sir asked me why I started another load of laundry. I stammered and stuttered and gave Him the I don't know look, trying to say something. The answer was simple, but I over thought it and could not give Him a clearly worded answer. He was not upset with me, telling me that He appreciated my effort, but to please ask next time. That's when it dawned on me..the answer was that I want to help out. Simple. But I could not put it into words for whatever reason.

I have been told several times in my life that I worry too much. This is true. I think that a mantra will help that a bit. Oh look....there is one on my side bar. *smiles.

The reason that I have been unable to focus has been because I had lost touch with myself. I didn't see myself to be a slave or submissive much anymore. I could speculate here on why and how that happened, but I think I will keep that to myself. Suffice it to say that I believe I have found some ways to correct that. With Sir's help and Carl's, I cannot go wrong as long as I keep striving and keep working.

I am afraid I shall most probably not get to my Service post again this week. Bleh... the best laid plans of mice and men.....next week for sure!

Also, there is something dark coming out. Stay tuned.

Notice

First off let me say that I did not get to my service post this past Monday. I did have it in the works, and it remains unfinished in my drafts. Hoping I did not disappoint anyone.

The last two days have been amazingly difficult for all of us. Suffice it to say, that there was a pushing to the edge, a backing into a corner, and a lot of pissing off. Of course, all of this was not done with malice...but it was done. The responsibility has been taken, and the rules once again set forth. The fight is over, and my heart has realized that it matters not my intent, my words and actions tell the truth. I do not hide my true self well at all. I do not hide my true feelings or emotions well either. It is not a conscious effort to hide. I do not "intend" to do it. I have always thought that I was pretty transparent. The fact is, I have spent so much time hiding and never fully and completely trusting anyone. Oh I said I did...and I believed I did. I fool myself and I fool others. The truth is....I have not trusted anyone on that level since my father...and he died in 1992.

Sir is the first one that I have not fooled. And He is the only one that had the strength to confront me. And confront me He did. It only increases my admiration and love for Him. He has more than proven Himself to me. And yet, I hold out.

Bottom line is, in short, I am either slave or I am not. There is no in between. I have made a choice to be slave, and that means surrender. Realizing inside that He has a plan for me, to make me better, healthier, stronger, happier. Realizing that I do not know better. Good god, I am living proof of that. I am nearing 50, and I act as if I am a child. Princess Buttercup has better ability to self examine. That stings, but it is the truth.

I need to be off for now, but I am sure there will be more here. I am headed to Texas to visit with my sister, relax and have some fun. I am confident that it will help to clear my mind, and I shall return to begin anew. I deserve that, as does Sir and wendi.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~?~~

Learning from past mistakes is vital...but we have to know what they are in order to learn from them and move on.

I struggle tonight with feeling inadequate. Feeling stupid.

I missed something...something important. I don't know what it is, but I was told I forgot my place several times and did not pick up on looks and comments made in that regard.

Now to reflect....

And to see those things...this may not happen, as I saw a different vision.

Open my heart, clear my mind, learn to shift focus and concentration.

The mistakes of this evening may never be realized. That will only provide me another chance to realize them another time, for I am sure to repeat them. I look forward to clear sight of them, or at the very least, another chance to correct them.

It crushes me when I disappoint. I hate that part of me.

Moving on to learn....diligent work towards learning what my 'click' is....in my head....

Clear as mud?

Assistance requested....

I am trying to find an appropriate and easy to read font for my posts here. Since I have come to realize that I am in need of glasses, I cannot trust my eyes to give me an accurate description of the font.

Can anyone read this font/color?

Still learning.....

An area identified. One that needs some hard work. At least for now. Maybe someday the pixie dust will fall and I will effortlessly adjust my mindset to be appropriate for the given situation, but for right now, it is not going to happen that way. Once I get better at placing the focus appropriately, Sir believes that a lot of the things we have discussed will fall easier into place. I believe Him. My determination to be the best slave I can be is strong. I have what it takes, I want it bad enough and I am willing to do what it takes to get it. Including more conscience effort.

Allow me to share what I shared with Sir this afternoon. This, the last 6 months with Him, has, without a doubt, been the most difficult and painful, emotionally, of any time in my life, vanilla or D/s. It has also been the most fulfilling and rewarding time of my life. I have grown by leaps and bounds and intend to continue. With all the special people in my life, I will certainly shine!

I am forever grateful to each one of them!

Modifications

Change is most always a good thing. There has been a major change in my life lately, so of course I am here sharing. This is where I usually go when things are very comfortable in my life. It is always where I go when things are uncomfortable or in various stages of unrest. My blog has always been a vital part of my growth as a woman, and in the last 5 years or so, my growth as a submissive. A documentation, if you will, of where I have been, where I am now, and where I see myself going. Of course that last part is usually NOT where I end up. ~laugh~ I tend to have unrealistic goals, and not a clue what is good for me. Imagine that.

I have spoke a lot of my slavery here, the highs as well as the lows. I have not written much on polyamory though. I do have a few very good links on my sidebar, should anyone be interested in looking to see what it is all about. As most of us, I was raised to not only be monogamous, but to believe that it was the only right way. This was supported very strongly by my heavy religious upbringing. My paternal grandfather was a Lutheran minister, as is my one and only uncle. Monogamy and the traditional "family" were the values instilled in me from a very young age. I grew to believe that you find your one and only, and grow old together. In fact, when I was young, all I wanted to do was be a mother and a wife, and live happily ever after. Actually, I have no regrets growing up that way. I think that, in a way, those beliefs contributed greatly to my sense of submission and my contentment in that.

As a result of that background, I became a serial monogamist. I moved from one relationship to another. If one man could not fulfill all my needs, then I removed him from my life and moved on to find another. After various periods of time, and varying attempts to make him the one, I would end up feeling empty in many areas, leaving him and moving on.

In every one of these relationships, I exhibited a pattern. As soon as it became obvious to me that he was not fulfilling me in one area, I would set out to explain what it was that I needed from him. (and, of course, encouraging him to do the same) As the relationship progressed, I remained unfulfilled in one area or another, or several, for what I could only see as his disinterest in 'helping' me to resolve this. I then progressed to attempting to stuff my thoughts and feelings. If I didn't need, then I would not feel unfulfilled, right? You can imagine how that worked. Yea, total disaster. A huge disservice to myself and to my partner.

Even knowing all this, and knowing of polyamory, my failed relationships continued. And I continued to move from one to the other, trying to make that childhood dream come true. Trying to make one my all. The turning point, I think, for me was when Sir asked me to answer a question. He asked me to think very hard about it, and dig deep to make sure that I was being honest. In a previous post, I mentioned that He had asked me to do this and that I was already doing it. Within what I think was a week or so, I had sent Him a response. He had asked a yes or no question. I had given Him three paragraphs of answer. He had asked, "baby...am I fulfilling ALL of your needs?" I had given Him, "yes Sir, all but one" bleh blah blah blah and on I proceeded with my explanation of what that one was, and the justification behind why I needed that one, and examples of how that one could be filled and blah blah bleh blah blah. It actually took another three weeks for me to realize, in my own head, that He was asking a simple question, and I owed Him a simple answer. To be okay with saying no Sir, took a lot of prodding and poking by Him. I feared that, as in my previous relationships, His answer was going to be, "then go and find the one who can" and i was going to lose Him, wendi, and princess buttercup! Worse than that, I was going to hurt the man I love so deeply. Even though I knew in my head, it never dawned on my heart that this was the crux of polyamory. If one is not your all, it is okay. In fact, RARELY can one person fill all of your needs. I don't care who it is. And that my dear friends is why people, men and women, cheat. To fill a need! Finding the one that fills my lust for play and some of the physical manifestations of my submission, does not mean that I must lose Him. Life is NOT all or nothing!

Sitting in front of Sir, listening to Him, hearing His words, I had one of those aha moments. I waited, of course, for Him to finish, and I blurted it out. "I am not high maintenance!!!! I simply have been searching for only one, and expecting that one to take the responsibility of fulfilling all my needs and desires. AHA! The puzzle pieces come together.

Turns out that He had someone in mind. A friend of the three of us, whom I have always respected, and Sir trusts, who was more than willing to "help out" ~giggle After some negotiations, He and I got together on Sunday. Neither of us were sure that there would be any spark. He dove right in, almost expecting my submission to Him, and we played fast and hard. Guess there was a spark. It feels right to submit to Him, and He keeps telling me how truly special I am. He is amazed and honored that Sir has given Him "permission" with me and enlisted His help to assist in keeping me balanced and happy!

Have I mentioned how blessed I am?

Service Post 11.15.09

Outside my window… a very chilly rainy evening. I would prefer snow if it has to precipitate when it is this chilly. Soon enough!

my thoughts...are asleep tonight I think. My mind is almost blank, trying to absorb a great day.

Today’s Quote...A belief is not merely an idea the mind possesses; it is an idea that possesses the mind.-:Robert Bolton:- This week was a discovery in the heart of what the mind has always believed.

I am thankful for...soft cushy chairs! teeheee

From my service training... (any skills, training etc; notes you want to share this week)...The chance that I had this past Saturday evening to make Sir proud to own me and to shed a positive light on the FCS rocked. Sir and a few others have shared what an incredible job I did...and I am able to give thanks without an eyeroll or sigh. I made Him and the House of Thunderbird shine...and I am proud of that!

From the kitchen...making candied yams for the department holiday luncheon on Tuesday. Of course, Wendi is helping...since I have never made them before!

i am wearing...not a stitch! Could no longer stand my jeans rubbing on my sore, tender butt! *smiles*

i am creating...my 100 things about me page here on ~simply slave. Not as easy as it sounds folks!

my adventures this week(where are you going this week?)...I plan to have a quiet week, pretty much staying close to one of my homes, (luckily they are only five doors apart)!

Becoming well read...(What are you reading this week?) I am absorbing bits of Taken In Hand...at Sir's instruction. I am enjoying very much.

I manifest and co-create...(what are your hopes, dreams, and prayers this week) To process and absorb new situations and adventures in my life, and enjoy the time with my families I am blessed with.

Today's Melody...(what music are you listening to? even if it’s just the sound of a bird…) The only sound here is the clothes dryer. Scant laundry done today, but got some necessities done.

One of my favorite things..fall leaves swirling on the road! I love this time of year!!!!

further plans for this week...to prepare for my trip to my sister's house in Texas for Thanksgiving! I have not seen her for two years and I am so excited.

Still...life (share a picture you’ve taken OR a picture you found online that speaks to you)